Don't Look Back.

learning some times isnt fun

i dont post on here much. ive been busy. been down. way down. learning who your real friends are… its not just hard. its down right depressing. there are some people i didnt just consider close. i loved them. people i wanted to dance the night away with. float down a river with. go get tattoos. live. instead. over the past few weeks, i watched my best friend slip further and further away from me. i see her dying. literally. and i cant fix it. shes lost hope. my positive optimism makes her mad now. my hugs and attempts at comfort make her scream “this is only going to hurt you more. leave me alone”

years ago, i made a friend in arizona. we were so close, i moved in with her on 20 hours notice so she could keep her apartment. i watched her get married last month. since she started dating mr jealous man, ive seen her exactly twice. both times she had to sneak off and literally leave the state to see me. just before the wedding. i held her in my arms and told her “no matter what. imma be here. even if you disappear for a while. i’ll be right where you left me when you come back” she told me her hubby would kill her if he heard that…. and that makes me the problem. ive gotten 3 texts from her this month. the last one said “dont reply pls. i bought a house. i planted a rose bush in honor of you. i hope you can still be happy for me even when i have to hide you”…

and finally, i met a girl on tumblr. shes funny, friendly, listens to awesome music and happens to be gorgeous. she changed my life for the better. she gave me hope. inspired me and supported me. she kept me working hard towards my goals. kept me dreaming. she wasnt always positive and bubbly, but she was always down for what ever. shed ask for help and id do what i could. id ask for help and she was always there. our plans… man, did we make plans. not just lofty dreams. but dreams the size of the galaxy. it was by far the closest i ever got to some one i never met. i got butterflies when id check the mail. id smile when id see dozens of notifications or emails. she didnt blow up at me tho, she never told me i was a bastard or that my notes became annoying. she didnt tell me she didnt like me any more. she did something worse. she silently walked out. i didnt know she was gone until one morning i woke up to say hi… and she was no where to be found. no text, email, im, call. no letter. just an empty space. and as i laid there, wondering what i did wrong, i thought of every little thing we shared in my head. and realized that was the problem. i shared everything. and it was too much. i much rather would have had her say “i dont love you like i did a year ago. leave me alone, fucker” or “i found something that makes me happy” .  i would have smiled and told her im happy for her. i would have lied to her every time shed ask. all i wanted was her to smile. with or with out me.

its off my chest now. out there for the world to see. 3 women. 3 people i truly love and respect. virtually gone. in under 3 weeks. when this is over and i can look back and smile, imma have fond memories of them. but for now, seeing their face hurts. hearing their name. not having a person to text to share funny stories with. and having to start over with even more trust issues. all of that makes learning not fun. for those of you who are reading this. im sorry for the trouble ive caused.